Two. Which is really Three. This just trumped Two.

My grandmother is dying. Or may be dead at this moment. I'm not sure. No matter what, she's not making it past the next couple of days. And I've decided school is more important than saying goodbye because I've been told she can't hear anything anyway. I can't reconcile myself to this. At all. This is destroying me.

I've elected to put myself to sleep with the following: tequila, beer, then vodka. Throw in some Avett Brothers, and shit is really breaking down.

This is entirely selfish on my part. But I can't put all this together. I dealt with my maternal grandmother's death way better than this. This is a step-grandmother, but she lived right across the street. She was always there. I can't deal with this. And this house is empty. And I feel so isolated. And I absolutely hate the fact that I feel so selfish. I can't comprehend what it means to lose a parent. But I've imagined it. Way too often.

I just want somebody to love me.

Death makes no sense to me. I mean, I get it. It makes sense in a general sense. But this, this crushes me to an extent I can't describe. It makes me want to pull everyone I love close to me, hug them, tell them there is nothing more important, but I have no idea how to do that. It makes me feel awkward. It makes me feel like nothing is real.

Look, I will never be the person people want me to be. I am selfish and scared. I will always sabotage myself. I don't want to, but I will. I will never be as calm as I imagine, I will always fuck shit up. But for once, I want this to mean something: this fucking hurts.

I'm crying. I can't stop. I miss everything. Somebody say something. Somebody call me. I love my family.